I don't climb up on buildings or towers any more to rant, rave, and
yell, or even scream about the things that bother me. I don't go to bars
and get into fist-fights or brawls over anything. I don't go to
people's houses and get into arguments with them. I don't take drugs or
drink and go through suicidal overdoses, I just come to my blog and yell
instead. But even though I consider this a remarkable achievement for
me, taking all that acting-out, and transforming it into mere words, for
the purpose of blowing off steam, there are still so many who refuse to see what I do as anything other than negative and extreme. What
you may consider negative or extreme, I consider art. It is the ability to capsulize
my frustrations into poems, stories, and writings, and post them on this
site. This is therapy for me. To write what I feel and
think when I want, because I want to. This blog is my digital tower and
building. Everyday I climb up here and scream and yell, so I don't have
to live with all of it penned up inside me, and end up like I did
before. Be that as it may, some of you can find nothing better to do
than to complain about my life-saving process, as if it were something
you have decided that you must do, based upon your impression of
what I say here. You would stifle the creative process, if I let you,
under the guise of good taste and rationality, according to your moral
compass. At times, I feel as though this is a lost cause for me, but
this morning I woke up early, and realized the importance of what I am
doing here for myself. If I were to abandon this blog, because of some
disapproval of what I say, or may say, then I would cut myself off from
the very outlet I created for the very purpose some find objectionable.
Writing is a freedom. To write, unedited, is an art I understand and
use. Editing myself, my feelings, and thoughts, for another's comfort will
not occur here. If you don't understand this, don't come here and read
what I write. I am serious about this, don't come here to see if I have
violated some absurd moral position you hold, because I either have, or
will. This is not an internet discussion forum for being for or against
anything, it is my blog. I am angry, so what? Are you so incredibly
fragile that you cannot bear my anger? Don't come here. I am intense, so
what? So what if I'm intense, why are you so threatened by intensity
and anger? What happens to you when you read me? What great threat to
you am I, that my words cause you such consternation? I know who I am, and
I accept who I am. I am that pissed off guy, Bobby Jameson, who hates
the music business and all it stands for, and all that it doesn't
protect. I come here to say that, over and over again, because it needs
to be said by someone. If you work for the music business, what I say
probably bothers you. Good, you need some bothering. If I make you
uncomfortable, good, you probably need to be knocked out of your
chicken-shit comfort zone. But when you bring that zone of comfort here,
expecting it to be appreciated, you are living in a state of
unrealistic demands that I have no plans to abide by, ever. I could
limit comments made here by some if I chose to, but I don't. You can say
whatever you want, but when you come here anonymously and complain, I
reserve the right to treat you like the chicken-shit you are. If you
want to take up an issue with me, be my guest, but why don't you get the
courage to complain and tell me who the hell you are? There are so many
anonymous comments, I am continually forced to try and figure out who's
commenting at any given time. Why is it so important to you to say
something, while at the same time concealing who it is saying it? There
are people who say things I don't agree with, but at least they have the
consideration of telling me who they are. I do not take the position
that I am right, or the position I am wrong, I just take a position and
post it here on my blog. I may come back later and think I was
completely full of shit, but I leave it, because that's what I
thought at that moment. If I were concerned about being right, or moral,
or justified, or any of those pathetic kinds of positions, I would not
come here at all, for fear of making a mistake. I am a mistake. My whole
life has been a series of mistakes, and I own that fact. After all I
have told you about me, you cannot possibly think that I believe what I
did was justified, nor do I. It's just what I did at the time. I post it
for public consumption. I post my own foolishness, so I don't have to
live my own foolishness. I paint it into words. I did not punch anybody
out today, I just wrote about it. I did not attempt suicide today, I
wrote about it. Why would some of you seek to quash my right of self
expression, particularly, since that right, answers the dilemma of human
beings, "What do I do with all this shit?" I write on line, which
means, in this case, you can read my thoughts, because I am not hiding
them. I have invited you into my mind, to some degree, and allowed you
to be part of the constant hurricane that I live in. But to have to
endure complaints about my thinking, simply because I let you in on it,
has started to become counter productive, to say the least. It might
help if you came here thinking, "Well let's go see what that crazy
bastard Jameson is thinking today." My mental health is based on my
ability to take bad actions and transform them into words, thereby
freeing myself from the necessity of taking the bad action. Everything I
do here is to free myself from the need to suppress my thoughts and
feelings. I come here for the exact reason some of you complain about,
which is to "get crazy." You ought to try it sometime, because from
where I sit, some of you would greatly benefit from the therapy of
writing about your feelings instead of hiding from them. In years past, I
would sit and think about the things that were driving me crazy, and
after awhile, I'd run out of space to keep all those thoughts and
feelings inside. Then they'd get transformed into actions, tragic
actions. Now I think about the same things as I did then, but I have a
place to put them; here. I have the Bobby Jameson blog, where I get to
be Bobby Jameson all the time, because I am Bobby Jameson all the time. I
will not give up this place, where I can be myself for your comfort,
praise, or dissatisfaction. Some of you demand things from me, which I
do not possess, such as peace and happiness, and a better outlook on
life. I will be 33 years clean and sober on the 1st of April, so what I
have, is I am alive and growing. I've come a long way from where I
started, and I didn't get much help from human beings or god, so I am
stuck with me, the one thing on this earth that I can count on. Not AA
or NA, or a church, or the state or federal government, just me, my
90-year-old mother, and mentally-ill brother, that's it! Oh yeah, and
this blog....
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