Monday, December 19, 2011
As I try to continue writing this blog, I find myself coming face to face with my own reluctance. Not because there isn't more to the story, there is, but because my experience with writing here has become jaded. Over the years, since I first started in November of 2007, I have lost faith that anything I write here makes a difference. It certainly has made little difference in my life.
Nothing has changed or improved whatsoever. I still live the same way I did before writing a single word. I would imagine that if there are any differences I have derived from this experience it would have to be that I have placed myself squarely in the middle of a target for little or no benefit.
I know there are a few people who are glad I have written this, but that does not get to the heart of my own discomfort in having done so. I am struck by the fact that in telling my own story there is not much to be gained from the doing of it, other than to say, "Well there it is!" The truth is, that it is different when thought about than it is when actually undertaking it as an action over time.
When I first had the story in front of me, as a thing not yet done, there was a motivation that occurred in the doing of it, which replenished itself, simply by knowing there was more to say about it. Now that I have said most of it, and experienced the response to it, that motivation has collapsed into a feeling of, "Who cares?" That feeling or thought is admittedly my own, but is real for me as a question.
Rather, in some cases, too many perhaps, than look at the story of Bobby Jameson as a real person discussing real events, this has degenerated, to some degree, into a comic book character who does nothing but complain, encounters negative circumstance after negative circumstance, and always seems to make stupid choices in the face of wonderful opportunities. If you think I am wrong I would suggest you pay closer attention to many of the comments posted here in the last few years.
Interest is one thing, but interest in a subject purely for the sake of disagreeing, and/or belittling it, because your mind is already made up, is as useless a proposition as I can possibly imagine. It starts to feel like 24-hr cable news, where the yays and nays exist as sides, predetermined to agree and disagree on cue, with nothing ever changing as a result. We have the "we like Bobby," the, "we don't like Bobby," and the undecided. A clown show judged prematurely by prerequisite beliefs and supposed moral standards, which supersede the facts by default.