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Friday, June 27, 2008

(part 82) MY LAST DITCH EFFORT



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Trying to make "Working" work was my last ditch effort as a recording artist in 1968. Parts of the album are in a way desperate. When I listen to it, I remember how hard I was trying to make things work. Some of my vocals are exactly what I wanted, and some are attempts at it.

As the alcohol and drugs continued to play a bigger and badder roll in my life during the recording of this album, I would reach higher and fall lower than I had at any time previously. On some days I was completely OK, on others, I was prone to violent outbursts, depending on what I had in my system, and how much of it I'd had.

By 1968, the previous years of using now began taking a serious toll on my ability to guage how loaded I was, or how loaded I was getting. Trying to record in that self imposed prison was at best hit and miss. I was not only addicted to the drugs and alcohol, but to fame as well.

I lived at times, in a world constructed of unreasonable demands and bitter resentment, regarding my past dreams and failures, and my then current fears about the future. My need for attention, and demands for it, continued wreaking havoc with my personality throughout the making of "Working."

Unfortunately, I again put all my eggs in one basket. I hoped against hope that this time would be the time, and that this record would be the record, but neither of those things were true. I always seemed to do the same thing. Over and over, just as I'd done before, expecting a better result than the ones in the past. It seemed to be the only way I could do things.

I lived in a rut. I never learned to deal with things. I just learned how to make records and write songs, and then do it again and again. My skills at being a person were limited to that in many ways, being a recording artist and a song writer, in search of myself, fame, and fortune.

To be honest, I didn't understand enough about the world I lived in. There it was, and here I was, and my job was to get the world to accept me, rather than me finding a constructive way to fit into the world. In essence I was always at war with everything and everybody around me, unless it went my way.

The drugs and alcohol just tended to magnify it all, and that's why "Working" is so important to me, then and now. It was my last cohesive attempt at getting the world to accept Bobby Jameson, which it never did.

I will attempt to make clear the ins and outs of constructing "Working," and the time I spent with some extremely generous and talented musicians, who helped me create the last album I released.

The record is shot through with my then growing interest in suicide as an answer to my life, should I have to face yet another failure. This is the source of the desperation, power, and tiredness in these vocals.

"Ain't That Lovin You Baby"

4 comments:

  1. Not many people would be brave enough to continue to bare their souls and their lives the way you do here, Bobby. I'm amazed every time I stop by here.

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  2. Bobby - Having just discovered your work (and having a song like Jamie playing over and over in my head for the past month) I wanted to let you know how special your story is to me as I'm going through a similar struggle with drugs and alcohol and see my self on the verge of where you were at during these recordings. I am hoping to find an answer for myself through reading about your struggles. There are others here who obviously feel the same. More fuel for your karma wheel.....

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  3. Anonymous, I just found your comment and consider speaking to you as important as anything I could possibly be doing. I want you to know from me personally that I found sobriety in the darkest of all moments. Nothing worked and I was sure I would die loaded and that was ok with me. What I didn't know was that my misery was the path to a certain kind of freedom, not wealth and "hey every things fine" but a freedom from slavery to the daily drug and alcohol beast. I may not sound like a happy guy, but I am free to choose how happy or unhappy I want to be and that was something I lost in drugs and alcohol. Please feel free to contact me here or on my myspace sites which you can get to by clicking on the music1 or 2 links at the top of these posts, we can talk by email. Bobby

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  4. I was over at the so called "psychedelicobscurities" blog as I was looking for more info on your LP you released on Verve in 66. I was a bit put off by that hosts description(s) of what he offers. They are full of ego and pomp, but the circumstance is vapid. He does not create anything, just makes schmarmy remarks about other peoples work and focuses usually on the superficial aspects. Sure Curt was/is a fabulous producer but there is lack of insight on the author's p.o.v. to demean something that was not in his hands to construct or destruct. It's like the freepress gone trash-o-la. I then found your comment at the bottom and was shocked he did not delete it.
    Now I got to link here and am happy in the long term that guy wrote those things, it tipped me to your insightful reflections of the music/entertainment industry. heartfelt! Thanks for sharing your memories and how they affected your path. I will be reading more to get more history lessons! Too many people have gone the route of selfdestruction that I love that you describe, and rarely do any pull themselves up. You speak candid about it being your lack of guidance. If only others can just admit that, and forget about the hyper-mirror reflection. On a side note, that's cool you worked with Mike Deasy! I was chatting with him a few weeks ago, and he's doing well. peace from vancouver island

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