Tuesday, March 3, 2009

(part 151) THE GUARD

Artwork by Ulli

"The Guard" was created out of desperation, as the self-inserted protector of the child, known as Bobby. He is singularly responsible for the child's emotional welfare.

Since the inner child has been terrorized by past events, and has endured severe emotional trauma, the guard now stands at the only door that leads to the child's emotions. It is his sole duty to exact any punishment necessary on anyone who attempts to harm the child further.

This dedicated and decisive personality was not sought out by any other part of the psyche, known as Bobby Jameson, but to the contrary, appeared on his own, born out of necessity exhibited by the traumatized child.

This Doc Holliday-like character, whose only purpose is to inflict damage on emotional trespassers, still stands at his post today. The introduction of other personalities or alter egos, occurred spontaneously as the need arose. The guard's very existence is an outgrowth of such a need.

Since the inner child is the essence of the human being known as Bobby Jameson, the protection of that essence or "original person" is primary to the ongoing emotional security, if not the very existence, of that person.

The guard does not follow rules, he has but one single purpose for being, "Protect the child at all costs." Unlike multiple personality syndrome, I am acutely aware of this "other personality" within my own conscious mental framework. I have, over time, learned to warn people that if they go too far they will encounter "The Guard."

At the end of 1973, or beginning of 1974, I'm not sure, I fought for a reason to continue on, in light of all that had happened to me. There were many times back then when I was confronted by those who attempted to belittle me, based on my extreme history.

By then, I'd become more like two people than one, the ever trusting kid with a smile and a song, and the darker overseer known as "the guard."

When fully engaged, the guard does not feel pain, or fear any form of consequence which might arise as a result of him carrying out his single job.

He has no sense of fair play, and his presence, once mobilized, is self sufficient in the extreme, without the slightest regard for those he is tracking.

In the beginning, I was not as aware as I am now, of the unequalled commitment to the child that the guard can and will exhibit when necessary.

In Hollywood, as I stated before, there were those who, at times, attempted to glorify themselves at my expense, foolishly believing they had little to fear from me. Those moments are forever enshrined in the undying reputation I earned on those occasions.

The personal psychology of trauma inflicted on me, by me, was the worst of it. Once I was willing to establish a concrete pact of non-suicide with myself, or stopped threatening myself with murder, the guard appeared.

This I find quite interesting, in that it appears that the guard's real value was only relevant if, in fact, I became one of those trying to protect myself, as opposed to being the primary source for the infliction of pain and/or destruction of myself.

This agreement did not carry over at that time to the destructive use of various substances, which were, in fact, the worst offenders against any common sense I might have possessed had I been sober.

The second area of concern that remained unchecked was that of putting my life in jeopardy when facing combatants on the street or in bars when the occasion would arise.

The fact of the matter is, that it was the guard who issued each deadly notice, all the way to a death threat, if necessary.

It would take a lot more time, and eventual sobriety, to limit, in even the smallest way, the impulsive nature of the guard and his extreme pursuit of the child's ultimate safety.


  1. I'm again going to "ditto" the first comment, for starters.
    I also feel compelled to say again, how much I admire you, Bobby, for being able to write so well, so brilliantly, even when you're not feeling well. However, I hope you can feel better soon.

  2. Your stunning ability to succinctly clarify and name (though often metaphorically) your various psychological responses is absolutely intriguing. It is revelatory that "the guard" could only emerge to defend you against others, but not against yourself. Only when you had progressed beyond the point of seeking self-destruction did your "protector" blossom. Yet, it/he could not intervene when you indulged in the drugs and alcohol. You have mentioned that split before, and, of course, it is probably true of all addictive behavior; Poe called it simply "perversity"—Doing something that we know is harmful to ourselves because we know it is harmful to ourselves; not wanting to destroy ourselves yet knowing that that is where our choices may lead us.

    As I've said many times before, it is amazing to me that you can come up with so many new insights and personal revelations in every brief anecdote.

    Your poem that follows this piece intimates at what a painful process this recollection is, yet the telling is clearly inspiring you to the most cogent and deeply intimate yet analytical prose while simultaneously prompting an amazing outpouring of poetic energy and creative video work. Thanks for the inspiration.