Monday, November 23, 2009
(part 209) DEMOS AND CHOICES
Love 1980-81 demo
When Ronald Reagan was elected president in 1980, Dennis and George were thrilled, which I responded to in the negative. I recall at the time that it concerned me, because the philosophical gorge between them and me became even more apparent.
This would later prove to be a major problem, in that Dennis and George's view of the world was at odds with mine. What was reasonable for them was unreasonable to me.
It is hard enough to come to terms with arrangements between human beings, but when you throw in religious and political differences, it just adds to the confusion.
Personally I liked Dennis a lot, and tried hard to compromise with him for a long while, but as time ticked by, month after month, it became increasingly apparent that continuing for a second year was going to be out of the question.
My worries about losing my entire income, and my house, were almost enough to get me to go along with Dennis's demands about the publishing rights to older songs of mine.
Through it all I stood my ground on that issue, knowing full well I was going pay for it in the end and be relegated once again to the world of financial chaos.
As usual, when I was concerned about things, I wrote songs and made demo recordings to keep myself busy, and my mind off the negativity that loomed ahead.
I did that a lot in 1980 in my little house in West Hollywood on Westmount Dr. Part of it was this. In the back of my mind I always believed I would someday write that one song that would do it for me.
One song that would give me the recognition and financial success that would keep me out of the up and down meat grinder I had lived in much of my life.
I was always sure it was the song I was writing at the time, which is why I wrote song after song. With each failed attempt at success, I was motivated to try again, and again, and again.
I was making $500 a week, but could see the writing on the wall ahead. If I wouldn't bend to the will of those paying me, I would be cut off, and once more relegated to the street, or a guest of an interested female.
It probably doesn't sound all that terrible to some, but believe me, when you live that way as much as I did, it gets real old. I just wanted a life that was stable for more than a year or so.
I knew if I gave in to Dennis on the RCA songs that I could have gotten at least another year or more out of the arrangement, but I couldn't make myself do it.
It wasn't like my ex-girlfriend and her family were making demands on me over the the song rights, it was more of a personal issue with me and my own personal honor.
I knew from experience what kind of corners were cut to facilitate people's goals, so I held fast to my conviction that what was right was right.
Because I was sober, I needed to know, by my own actions, that I was doing the right thing, even if nobody noticed or cared except me.
I had to have a standard to live up to when the music was the issue--without it I may have just thrown in the towel and gotten loaded.
I will never know, other than looking back on it now, whether choosing what I chose, was a major part of staying clean and sober through it all.
Afraid To Get Hurt Again 1980-81 demo